LEAN IN: Women, Work and The Will to Lead by Sheryl Sandberg

I first read this book in 2014 when I had just joined my current place of work and I have recommended it to so many women over the years in the hope of raising awareness and creating a culture in which women can understand that what they go through at the work place is not unique to the individual but is universal. I hope that after they read the book they can begin a conversation in their various places of work that will help achieve women empowerment. I also watched her TED talk, why we have too few women leaders.

https://www.ted.com/talks/sheryl_sandberg_why_we_have_too_few_women_leaders?utm_source=tedcomshare&utm_medium=referral&utm_campaign=tedspread

The author of the book is Facebook’s Chief Operating Officer Sheryl Sandberg who introduces the book with her own struggle as a pregnant woman working at Google. For those of us who have been pregnant and by pregnant, I mean pregnant as in you look like you swallowed a whale, you know what waddling is. I remember an incident during my pregnancy while at the Kenya School of Law. When I went in for my oral exams in July the lecturers just couldn’t reconcile the person they were looking at with the one on the picture in the school ID which had only been taken in January. They took turns to laugh under the table assuming my pregnancy brain wouldn’t notice. I will not even try to explain how the questioning went but it had me constantly asking “please repeat, sorry? What?” Yes, short-term memory is a thing! I don’t know if Sheryl had short-term memory loss but she was this kind of pregnant and one day she arrives late for a meeting and in her struggle to rush (waddle) to the meeting room she realizes that the parking is too far off and that’s when it hits her that other women must be going through the same ordeal. She negotiates parking space closer to the building for pregnant women and given that she’s a senior woman in the company, the wish is granted. She realizes that men do run the world which means that when it comes to making the decisions that most affect women, women’s voices are not heard equally.

Sheryl refers to various studies, which bring out the inequality ranging from the numbers of female presidents, women parliamentarians, women in leadership positions in the corporate world and board memberships. She tells of a story where she travelled to Manhattan to represent her company at a meeting.  During a break, when she turns to ask a senior executive where the women’s bathroom is, the man stares at her blankly.  She asks him how long he has been there and he answers one year. She asks if she’s the only woman to have pitched a deal there the entire year. He answers that he thinks so or that maybe she is the only one who has had to use the bathroom. Out of this, she further realizes that women face real obstacles in the professional world including blatant and subtle sexism, discrimination and sexual harassment. The sexism is so subtle that, unless female, you would miss it.

During my early days when I joined my place of work, I remember being referred to as “young girl” or “mrembo” at some of the meetings I attended. Please note I was there to provide legal counsel. What these words connote is that you’re a young girl lacking in experience and throughout this engagement I would like you to keep that in mind. The beautiful is associated with being a blonde. This means that you are only here to be seen because that is the only thing notable about you. I was very uncomfortable with this situation and in some cases I had to ask politely that someone refrains from referring to me in that way because it is unprofessional. Over time and as most of the men realized that there could be something in between my ears the titles kept changing from young girl to young lady, to lady and finally these days I simply go by Susan.

In the first chapter of the book the author talks about the leadership ambition gap. She argues that highly qualified women are scaling back and dropping out of the workforce and in turn most institutions and mentors opt to invest more in men who are more likely to stay in the workforce. She notes that the there is no doubt that women do have the skills to lead at the workplace with studies indicating that more girls are doing much better in school than boys. These academic gains however are yet to be translated into significantly higher numbers of women in top jobs. It’s quite worrying that although the workforce is full of women at the entry level, by the time the system is filling leadership positions, it is overwhelmingly stocked with men. She attributes this dwindling in numbers to the leadership ambition gap which in many ways is caused by our societal expectations. Whereas a man is expected to aspire to high levels of his career, it is not so for a woman.

Two months after having my baby, I was expected to sit for my bar exams.  Motherhood is not easy and on top of it, I developed mastitis and had to go for surgery after a month of nursing. I contemplated not sitting for the bar exam. My mother in law is a strong woman and when she heard of this, she sat me down and gave me a talk about how I could do it and how the worst thing a woman could do is be unempowered. Deferring the exam would have prolonged my state of being unempowered. I proceeded to do my exam and I am always thankful for that encouragement as I now realize that I would have been short-changing myself.

Sheryl highlights the word “ambitious” which, though considered a compliment for a man, is negative for a woman. In my own experience, I have been referred to as ambitious and not in the best connotation of the word. This has often baffled me because I always knew that a woman ought to be ambitious and aggressive at whatever she wants in life. I saw this in my mother who went to college while in her 40s all the while raising four girls on her own so I find it strange that an ambitious woman is held in negative light. This then leaves women who are highly qualified thinking that their only reason for existence is to find a man. At this point, I would recommend the TED Talk by Dame Stephanie Shirley "why do ambitious women have flat heads?".

https://www.ted.com/talks/dame_stephanie_shirley_why_do_ambitious_women_have_flat_heads?utm_source=tedcomshare&utm_medium=referral&utm_campaign=tedspread

The socialization that women cannot make it to leadership out of sheer hard work has worked to ingrain insecurity into women with regard to their abilities. To emphasise this, Sheryl talks about how in a meeting a woman is more likely to be interjected while speaking by men, while this occurs less when it comes to men. This has happened to me severally and I have learnt over time to continue speaking because that is what men do when someone attempts to interject while they are making a point.

In one chapter the author encourages women to sit at the table. She narrates how one time she attended a meeting and noted the women, though entitled to attend the meeting, chose to sit in chairs off to the side of the room, which made them seem more like spectators than participants. This is unlike the men who grabbed their food first and sat at the table. This is not an uncommon phenomenon and the author remembers a keynote address from Peggy McIntosh from the Wellesley Centres for Women titled “feeling like a fraud” in which she explained that most people especially women feel fraudulent when praised for their accomplishments. Most women therefore fail to put themselves forward despite their expertise in various fields. Personally, I would say I was born with this innate dose of high self-esteem that would not allow me to shy away from taking a seat earned through hard work.

The one chapter that tugged at my heart was the one on “Success and Likeability”. It had such a profound effect on me because my husband has given me pep talks over the issue of likeability a million times, my friend Ann became my therapist at one point over the issue and my mother and sister Mercy too have played psychiatrist over it. This was before a turning point that occurred and finally my mind accepted that not everyone will like you and they really do not have to anyway.

The author tells of a research that was conducted in 2003 at the Columbia Business School by Professor Frank Flynn and New York University Professor Cameron Anderson to test perceptions of men and women in the workplace. They started with a Harvard Business School case study about a real-life entrepreneur named Heidi Roizen. The case described how Roizen became a successful venture capitalist by using her outgoing personality and vast professional network that included many of the most powerful business leaders in the technology sector. The two professors assigned half of the students to read Heidi’s story and gave the other half the same story, changing the subject’s name from Heidi to Howard. The students rated both Heidi and Howard as equally competent yet while they respected both, Howard came across as a more appealing colleague while Heidi was viewed as selfish and not the type of person they would want to hire or work for. Seriously???!!

The author articulates that this experiment supports what research has already clearly shown; success and likeability are positively correlated for men and negatively correlated for women. She argues that because of such stereotypes most women have been afraid to take on powerful positions for fear of being disliked. The dynamics play out when a woman excels at her job, both male and female colleagues will remark that “she may be accomplishing a lot but she is not well liked by her peers”. She is probably “too aggressive”, “not a team player”, “a bit political”, “can’t be trusted” or “difficult”. In my experience, I have found that those titles often follow a woman who is sure of herself, who is not afraid to speak her mind and most of all is not a damsel in distress. A woman who fails to conform to these societal expectations and excels more than is approved of by the society will pay the price. To assert this point the author lists the derogatory descriptions of some of the first female world leaders. Margaret Thatcher was called “Attila the Hen”, Golda Meir was “the only man in the Cabinet, Indira Gandhi was referred to as “the old witch” and Angela Merkel has been dubbed “the iron frau”. Closer home you know what Martha Karua has been referred to.

Another vital chapter in the book is one in which women are encouraged to find a real partner. The author advises women that the most important career decision they will make is whether to have a life partner and who that partner will be. She goes on to explain the expectations of the society on raising children. It is expected that a woman’s career will take a dip once she gives birth, which is not the same for men. So, this means that a working mother has two full time jobs, which most definitely will cause burnout. Only women with real partners survive in the workforce. A real partner splits the roles 50/50 and knows that they are also a parent. I will tie this to the chapter where she tackles the myth of doing it all. The number one question that women are asked is how do you do it all? I have been asked severally how it is that I do it all, I’m a lawyer, a mother and I still have time for this blog and other social activities how do I do it all? To be honest and in the words of Sheryl… I don’t.

I have a husband who is a real partner to me. From the day our son was born we have never had an argument on his role as a father. I could disappear for weeks and know that they will be fine. Last November he travelled and it was expected that as a parent I would remember to attend our son’s open day with the teacher. Though it was at the back of my mind, it completely escaped my mind on the material day. Only much later when he asked did I remember. Now he created reminders on the google calendar which pop up a day before the event to avoid such.  He encourages me to read more, to do more professional courses, to work harder and waits for me on the days that I work late. A real partner. As I read this book I was nodding and laughing as the author shares similar experiences that I have been through. She once took her son to school wearing a blue t-shirt on a day meant for green. My son has worn games shorts on days he’s meant to wear regular school uniform, but hey that’s not the point.  The point is that as women we have the need to be perfect and do it all and when the inevitable happens and we fall short of perfection we become hard on ourselves which allows feelings of guilt and doubt fill our minds. I wanted to reach out to her and high five her over a glass of wine.

Finally, the book encourages women to come together and work for equality. Many women view each other as competition instead of working together against an unfair system. This bickering has not worked for women and never will. Lord Laro’s song “Women Rule” aptly describes female cat fights and further cements the stereotype that women are their worst enemies. He sings that under women rule a world war will be caused by stories about how “she said and she said”. This “she said she said” diminishes the standing of women as leaders at the workplace. I believe women can rise above this. As former U.S secretary of state Madeline Albright once said “there’s a special place in hell for women who don’t help other women.”

I highly recommend the book. It contains topics on mentorship, seeking and speaking your truth, and not leaving before you leave which I could not cover without writing another book. I hope to write about my experiences someday but for now as all women and men read this, they should appreciate that men too have a responsibility to raise and mentor daughters who shall not be afraid to lean in to their careers and whatever it is that makes them happy.